And etc…

If you haven’t seen Superman Returns yet, and you think that there might be something in the movie that could possibly surprise you, I suggest you stop reading now.

Are you still reading? If you are, I’m not going to feel sorry for telling you that Superman dies.

Of course, he comes back to life. Really, does Superman need his heart to beat in order to live? Guess not. Or maybe. It was confusing. I’m not even sure if he was actually dead or just sleeping. What we do know for sure is that he doesn’t need oxygen or air pressure to live. Being able to fly in space makes this pretty clear. Also, he doesn’t have to eat. He was in desolate space for five years. I doubt he packed 1,825 lunches.

Anyway, let’s just say that I went into the movie with extremely low expectations. Superman has never been a favorite of mine, mostly because (a) he’s just TOO good, and (b) I could never buy his whole “Clark Kent” alter ego actually working as a disguise. Of course, I suppose those bright blue tights are pretty damn distracting for the ladies. And some of the men. Also distracting is the underwear he wears outside his pants. And Clark Kent is a pretty dorky guy who no one would believe is actually a super dorky guy who can fly.

But I digress. So, I went into the movie with low expectations, and was pleasantly surprised. Yes, the movie had a lot in common with the old Superman’s, the ones with numbers. One of these was an incredibly slow-moving plot. At one point Matt turned to me and said “Can you believe it’s already been an hour?” I think at this point, um, nothing much had happened yet. I suppose Superman, being gone for five years (or twentyish in real-life movie time) needed some character build-up so we could re-figure out who everybody is. I’m not sure how necessary this was, but it happened.

It also had a lead actor in common…er…not quite I guess. Brandon Routh as Superman looks like they resurrected Christopher Reeve and gave him some Botox. It’s practically the same guy. Of course, it was a little hard to judge because the guy only had three lines in the whole flick. There might be a reason for this, but I’m just going to believe that Supes is the strong, silent type.

Let’s see. What else was the same? I don’t know because my memory of the prior films is vague at best. Crime is still easy if you’re Lex Luthor. Lex Luthor is still bald. Superman is still followed around by his theme music. That’s all I got.

So what’s new about this one? Well, an age-old question has been solved. An age-old question that I had never had myself, but apparently males across the land (according to my dear husband) have always wondered, “if Superman has sex with a woman, does his super sperm like shoot through her or something?” Ladykind, ye are safe. Turns out Lois had Supes’ kid, and she’s still around trying to kick her smoking habit. (I hear it’ll kill you, but if you also regularly risk your life through investigative journalism, what’s a little cancer? I’m sure your super boyfriend can burn it out of you or something. And hey! There’s a plot for the next movie–Superman, MD.) Yes, the super guy has a son. He pushes a piano on a guy and kills him. And he has asthma! However, Lois either didn’t realize who the kid’s father was or is quite excellent at keeping secrets. I suppose most kids with brown hair and brown eyes kind of look like most guys. And Matt called Lois a slut. I have more sympathy. Clearly she was just looking for comfort and things with her new boytoy went a little too far so she wasn’t sure who the kid’s father was. Or maybe getting it on with the super guy messed her up in the head a little. Give her a break, already. Women have NEEDS.

In summary, I liked the film. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor was awesome, and he and his henchwoman/girlfriend “Kitty” (Parker Posey) had some great lines. It was just campy enough to be good. I love slightly hokey (and even pretty damn hokey) things. Also, that guy from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle makes a pretty kick-ass henchman.