And etc…

Apparently my last post was so negative and angry that people who normally never call me (unless they’re drunk…wait…or maybe I only call them when I’M drunk…) called to make sure I wasn’t planning on doing anything dumb. Of course, since I can justify anything, I would never do anything dumb. So no worries, people. And on an unrelated note, did you know you don’t need a permit to carry a gun in Utah? Just to conceal it. Ppssshaw. What’s the point of hiding a weapon if you’re trying to scare people? Note: I am not planning on doing anything with a firearm. In fact, they’re scary and I am quite clumsy. I’m more likely to make people cry the old-fashioned way, by being really, really mean and truthful. Note 2: This could happen at any moment. Be prepared.

So, did you know that naming a baby is really hard? I don’t want to scar the poor child for life by giving it an awful name, but it’s so hard to know nowadays what an awful name is. Besides, the little girl is going to be forced to spell her last name all the time already…which seems unfair. But I digress. (This last week someone actually mispronounced my last name AND my first name. It was weird. Who knew “Amanda” was hard to say?) Got any name suggestions that are not your name? Because it’s not actually funny when you suggest I name my baby after you. If you give me a million dollars, I might reconsider. Or three hundred thousand dollars, really. That’s my price.

It’s disturbing how many of my students already have their children’s names picked out. People actually talk about this before a crying infant is handed to them in a hospital room? Why did nobody tell me? Were they supposed to tell me about this around the time they told me I was supposed to start fantasizing about my wedding when I was a child as well? I was a little too busy daydreaming about taking over the world and being rich, super-powerful, and generally better than everyone to get around to the baby and wedding dreams. I mean, what more could a little girl want in life? And once you’re super-awesome (and super-thin, with super-great hair and super-great skin) other stuff just sort of falls into place. Unless television and the cinema have been lying to me…