Babies: different than dwarves, apparently.
So, I’ve been out of touch with the world for about seven weeks now, and that’s because about seven weeks ago a tiny person came out of my body. Apparently this is what happens when you’re pregnant? Having never been pregnant before, I wasn’t totally convinced. But it’s true. First you get really huge and then you have a traumatic life experience that you’re supposed to be happy about. Well, I guess after the drugs kicked in, I WAS pretty content.
Daphne Colette came about a month early–don’t know why. No one ever told me. Apparently she’s just super punctual. She does not get that from her father. Here’s a fun fact: did you know that when your water breaks, it just keeps on flowing until the baby comes out? I suppose that’s so you can’t just pretend that you’re not in labor, even though that’s what you sincerely want to do at that point because it’s eleven o’clock at night and you would prefer to have a decent night’s sleep before the ordeal of delivery.
If you were wondering (and really, who wouldn’t want to know the gruesome details? That is why people have such a fascination with medical dramas, right?), about eight hours after the breakage of the water, Baby came out. And no, I did not do it the “natural” way (”drug-free”) because I don’t believe there is such a thing. “Natural” childbirth would involve being by yourself in the woods and having to fight off bears or lions at the same time as you’re pushing Baby out. That is the “natural” way: cavepeople style. Also, you probably die at the end from blood loss. Or being eaten by said bear or lion. So yeah, I’m freakin’ ecstatic that I went with the epidural, especially because while I only pushed for thirty minutes, we were stalling and waiting for the doctor for about half of that. I would’ve been pretty pissed if I could’ve felt those contractions while we were “waiting.” Especially since I was already irritated because A) in labor, duh, and B) it took three nurses and four different tries to get the IV in my arm and I had a bruises from that for about a month. Yeah, I was so happy about the epidural that I pushed the button to get more of it towards the end even though the nurse was all, “it won’t kick in for twenty minutes and you’ll be done by then…” Yeah, I’ll be done, but I’m sure there’ll still be pain. So there. And it’s not like I need to walk anywhere in twenty minutes. Where would I go? Work? The mall?
So anyway, now husband and I live with a very small person who does not yet speak English or sleep for more than twoish hours at a time. If I weren’t so sleep-deprived….uh, what was I saying? Yeah, I’m having trouble with coherency lately.
So if you know someone who has a baby, and you notice they’re tired, don’t be a stupid person and say “Gee, why?” in a jokey way. That just makes us want to cut you. And quit telling us to sleep when the baby sleeps. Do you know how sad and depressing and aggravating it is to try that and realize that half the time the baby is only going to sleep for ten minutes, and it’s impossible to know when that will happen? Seriously, the worst part of the day is usually getting out of bed. So let’s not do that fifteen times a day, k? OK.
I think anyone that wants to have their child without medicine is stupid. It was invented for a reason and I plan to take full advantage of that.
I would like to see baby soon. I don’t like to call children by their names until they can respond.
Frankly, I found that having a baby really sucked. Not the labor and delivery part (in a sick way, I found that to be highly entertaining) the part where you bring home a baby and have to figure out what to do with it. I’d love to give you some encouraging advice about how it will soon get better (it won’t) or you’ll look back at this time with fondness (not so far) but I’ll settle for this: if you can manage just to exist without killing yourself, the baby, your spouse or the asshole ahead of you in the checkout line with 432 items who waits until the transaction is almost complete and then tells the cashier he wants stamps and cigarettes then you might be happy you procreated. This will take roughly two years. Hang in there.
I believe you. We should be friends.
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